More thoughts on the self-absorbed.

[randomness]

Self-absorbed people have a tendency to launch into conversation about themselves assuming you already know key points about themselves that they have never told you. This more often happens when they're seeing you again after some absence. It never occurs to them that you wouldn't know, because it's so important and obvious to them. This can make conversations with them confusing.

Sometimes, they get offended at you for not knowing things they haven't told you, because your not knowing them means you clearly didn't care enough to pay attention to things they didn't tell you. But this is a somewhat more extreme case.

(Thanks to cmeckhardt for helpful changes in wording.)

Comments

[skurkey.livejournal.com]

I agree. I think self-absorbed people also fail to listen to what you say to them.

[tamidon.livejournal.com]

Self-absorbed,or they assume that you read and memorise their lj posts

[r-ness.livejournal.com]

Oh, definitely. They're not really paying attention to very much aside from themselves. Why should you be any exception?

[r-ness.livejournal.com]

Yes!

(And that could easily be "and", as well as "or".)

So many people are offended when one hasn't been keeping up with the pearls of wisdom they've posted.

"Haven't you been reading my LiveJournal!?!"

[bloodstones.livejournal.com]

But why *haven't* yuo been reading my livejournal? :) Although really, you should, I just posted a poll about cavemen and astronauts. Who doesn't like cavemen and astronauts?

[thespian.livejournal.com]

I haven't been reading your livejournal.

[thespian.livejournal.com]

they also fail to listen to what you don't say to them, a more subtle distinction, but you know what I mean....

[skurkey.livejournal.com]

Yea, I agree. I've gotten to the point that I don't share information unless asked. If someone doesn't ask, I often believe they're just not interested.

[thespian.livejournal.com]

the other day I was at an event for people with an interest in knitting. I am interested in it because I like making toys, and I would be far more of a fashionista if I was mall sized. So I got into it to learn to make neat things for me. I was talking with someone who likes the math of things and the challenge of things like intarsia and 2-colour knitting, but he's interested in the things I make and I'm interested in his work.

We were cornered by someone who does fibre arts, in competition. And there was NO backing out of it; we wanted to talk about practical knitting of things we'll wear, and she kept saying, "So and so is judging the X Competition, so you should know that if you're going to compete there. She rewards design, so my stuff does well," while we sat there trying to figure out anything that had come in the conversation that would lead to her telling us that.

And it wasn't even that either of us might not have been interested at another time. She just was making no effort to even notice what we were talking about, and ignoring us saying, "Oh, well really, I don't know anything about that." (which never even led to an explanation of anything). You wind up in this trap of 'how little do I have to contribute to this conversation to make them go away?', but I suspect that's likely making it worse because you're obviously interested, or you'd not be listening, right?

[skurkey.livejournal.com]

I think that there are several reasons why I think individuals monolouge.

I think some people, like my father, who were neglected as children may not learn how to listen. They learn to talk to themselves. In fact, my father talks more if you don't say anything. He doesn't get the regular clues and hints that people give when they want to break off a conversation.

I think some people have low self-esteem and want to belong, so they talk.

I think some people are hyper and get a rush out of talking.

Maybe there are some other reasons I haven't mentioned...

[and-be-blue.livejournal.com]

my god. that icon is incredible...makes me want to play PP again.

[thespian.livejournal.com]

here's my other YPP themed icon, for you to see then ;-)

[and-be-blue.livejournal.com]

heh. cute, though I feel like I'm missing some - it's a rumble reference, right? I haven't REALLY played since rumble was released...I resubscribed to midnight, but don't have a crew to play with, so I didn't really get back into it.

[thespian.livejournal.com]

it is. one of the non-buyable weapons, that you get if you're on a ship that sinks, is a fish. It is a really sucky weapon, but it's great to get to hit people with a fish.

[r-ness.livejournal.com]

Oh, don't worry. (Well, not about me, at least.)

I thought about adding a note saying: "If you think this is about you, don't worry, it probably isn't. The people it's about are too self-absorbed to notice." But after thinking about it I decided it wouldn't be read by the ones who needed it most. :)

[r-ness.livejournal.com]

I guess I'm curious what brought this thread on?

Oh, you know, people... :)

There's a friend on a tear, and there's the self-absorbed, and *gasp* I actually can tell the difference, thankyouverymuch.

Yeah. I think one big giveaway is that the friend on a tear is, in fact, just on a tear. The rest of the time, they're not. Those who are truly self-absorbed are generally talking about themselves, and it's a remarkable exception when they're not.

We should do dinner again sometime; you're fun to talk with.

We should! And you are, too.

[gravitrue.livejournal.com]

I am so tempted to post a completely irrelevant story about myself here. But I'd be afraid people wouldn't get it.

[r-ness.livejournal.com]

*snicker*

[twilight-tea.livejournal.com]

I need to quote this.

[r-ness.livejournal.com]

I wouldn't go so far as to call my random thoughts "wisdom", but hey, I'm glad it was useful to you.

This is a good world.

I like it. Even if sometimes I feel like posting stuff like this. :)

[r-ness.livejournal.com]

Clearly. :)

[r-ness.livejournal.com]

Who doesn't like cavemen and astronauts?

Together, or separately?

[thespian.livejournal.com]

ain't nobody here but us chickens.

[bloodstones.livejournal.com]

I suppose together in this context. The poll is about who would win in a fight.

[amelia-g.livejournal.com]

I don't think this is necessarily a self-absorbed thing, so much as a limited world thing.

For example, although I generally prefer to shoot "real" people who actually do something cool and just want their picture taken, every once in a blue moon, I will photograph someone from the generally icky 818 Valley video smut industry. I am NOT a part of that industry. It is very rare that I find anyone who IS a part of that industry compelling enough to want to photograph them. Nonetheless, that world is so insular that the few people I have photographed from it freaking ALWAYS assume that I know everyone they know and know who they are dating and where they live and who is hard to work with and all sorts of business details. They just have such limited existences most of the time that, on the rare occasions where they venture beyond that world, they just have trouble shifting their conversational pattern to footnote properly.

Then again, members of my family tend to repeat stories really a lot and I know I sometimes don't want to tell someone a story twice, so I will end up not telling them at all. Not exactly the same thing though, I guess.

[r-ness.livejournal.com]

I don't think this is necessarily a self-absorbed thing, so much as a limited world thing.

In a lot of ways I think the limited-world problem is an extension of the self-absorption problem. It's a bigger bubble--a group of people rather than a single one--but nonetheless it's a problem of living in a bubble.

I know I sometimes don't want to tell someone a story twice, so I will end up not telling them at all. Not exactly the same thing though, I guess.

I wouldn't think so.

[stolen-tea.livejournal.com]

Not to justify, because I know some people who are *Just Like That*, but isn't lack of awareness of the boundary between self and other a common feature of autism? That is, there are a lot of child studies showing that young children and the autistic tend to assume that other people know everything that they themselves know. Which sort makes me wonder whether that sort of behavior can be produced by some sort of emotional regression, and if it's possible to lose social acuity and fall backwards into early childhood.

[r-ness.livejournal.com]

Is it possible? Maybe. But I think you're talking about a very different sort of person.

If we were talking privately, I would give you examples to illustrate. But not here.

I understand!

[progscholar.livejournal.com]

I don't comment on this LJ much, but this thread really touched a nerve with me. In the academy, humanists and humanistic social scientists work alone, and the giant pressure to produce makes tedious people into narcissists and narcissists into black holes of self-absorption. I know one person whose head is so far up her ass that it comes back out her mouth. Where I live, this institutional pressure to obsess on oneself is fostered by the local environment. I live in a college town in the South, and there is nothing to do here but work; people are either working frantically to get out, or they are happy here because there are no distractions from work. The result--more narcissism. (Actually, there are two other obsessions here--church and kids. Being a childless atheist, these options aren’t relevant to me. That is another story, though.) I wonder if other kinds of social forces lead increased self-absorption.