I found some of my old journals over the weekend.

[randomness]

I'd completely forgotten I kept journals back when I was an undergrad. But I hung onto them. I was looking for other stuff when I came upon a binder and looked inside to see what it was, only to find I was looking at a dated page detailing what I'd felt and thought on first meeting with someone I haven't seen in ages.

I went to the next room and called bedfull_o_books. "I'm never going to make fun of anyone's LJ ever again!" I laughed. "This stuff is amazing! It reads just like some people's LJ's!"

She berated me for even opening them. "Why do you do this to yourself?"

"No, no, you don't understand!" I said. "It's funny. I mean, I really get this great perspective on how much better my life is nowadays. It's great!"

I'd only looked at a few pages of a thick pile when I started thinking, "Man, I just wanna tell this guy, 'Move over. I'll drive. Just hang on and enjoy the ride.'"

I don't know what's worse, reading about my obsessions about people I'd completely forgotten or reading about my first impressions--and obsessions--about people I later got involved with.

So many things seem trivial now that were totally overblown then. And so many things that I completely missed the importance of then are obvious now.

After a quick glance at those few random pages I decided I didn't have time for any more of this and put it back in the files. Well, I know where that is, if I ever need to find it again.

I still make plenty of mistakes now, but they don't have the psyche-shattering importance they did then, and I move on past them a lot more easily now. I guess I step a lot more lightly through life now, which probably makes me a lot more fun to be with, now that I think of it.

"Guy. Take it easy. It's all going to be fine."

I'm sure I wouldn't have listened. :)

Comments

[redbird]

There seem to be things learned only from experience, alas--and one of them is "this emotional trauma will not scar me for life."

[r-ness.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I think you're very right on this score. I mean, by nature most emotional trauma feels overwhelming, and at the time one feels like it will surely be a life-changing experience.

Thinking about this I also realize that the things which really did scar me I tended to cover over, either because I was much younger when they happened or because I had to cover them over lest I stop being able to function. The things I thought were traumatic in college were much less serious than the things I had to deal with as a child, but (I'm guessing now, long after the fact) because of that I was able to wallow in them.

[r-ness.livejournal.com]

Moreover, when I was in college I was totally still in denial about my childhood trauma.

[coraline]

...except for those that do, speaking as the friend of someone with permanent PTSD issues from a particular emotional trauma.

(in general though, you're correct ...)

[lillibet.livejournal.com]

Shortly after we came back from London I went through the boxes of papers that had been in storage and found all my various journals. The most interesting ones for me were a series of very detailed letters I had written to a friend in California while I had a monumentally boring job. They cover the first couple of years after I got out of college. It's pretty funny how much they read like Bridget Jones' Diary. It is a strange experience, because I can remember being that person, but she seems so far from me now--I spent a couple of odd days inhabiting the space between then and now.

[dana325.livejournal.com]

I decided to keep the journal from highschool where I spend pages 5 - 10 pages agonizing over having eaten ONE SLICE OF PIZZA. (I was on a 700 calorie a day diet at the time..which was pretty much my normal existence) Going back to reunion left me yearning for the fun of college days again..but there are definitely some very good aspects to being older and hopefully a bit wiser!

[dana325.livejournal.com]

make that I spent pages 5 - 10 agonizing

[signsoflife.livejournal.com]

thank you -- that was pretty much my immediate reaction.

[r-ness.livejournal.com]

As a matter of fact, that sort of trauma was what I was burying very deeply at the time. If you'd talked to me then I'd have denied it had affected me at all...but boy did I have issues.

Therapy between then and now made a big difference.

[coraline]

yeah... minds are funny things.

[r-ness.livejournal.com]

It is a strange experience, because I can remember being that person, but she seems so far from me now

That's a great description of the feeling I had, too.

So many parts of that person are still in me now, and yet I'm not much like that guy anymore.

[progscholar.livejournal.com]

R_ness wrote that he wishes he could tell his former self, " 'Guy. Take it easy. It's all going to be fine.' I'm sure I wouldn't have listened. :)"

Indeed, he may not have listened. However, he probably would be pleased to know that he will become someone who would be calmer about things in general. I know I would have been pleased to learn that.

[sunnysusan12.livejournal.com]

*kiss* Miss ya Harry.

And interesting entry, Leon - thanks for sharing. I've never kept a journal I didn't destroy within a couple of years before. Should be interesting to see what happens if I keep my LJ going for longer than that.

[evilbunnymayhem.livejournal.com]

Truly is an amazing thing. I've always related well with phoenix birds. It seems every couple of years I'm reborn.. the same and yet totally different... To read old entries is like seeing an old friend, a person you love and miss and yet you have with you at all times, where you can give em a hug and know the things that once were so large, are now mere speedbumps you can look back on with a smirk or gaze of bewilderment at how you ever got over it. Like looking over your own evolution.

"Guy. Take it easy. It's all going to be fine."
I'm sure I wouldn't have listened. :)

If only we all could talk to ourselves.. and actually listen. ;o)
Thankfully I guess that's why we have friends.

[r-ness.livejournal.com]

I know I would have been pleased to learn that.

Hey, is this about the stick game thing? :)

[r-ness.livejournal.com]

I've never kept a journal I didn't destroy within a couple of years before.

Yah, for me my obsessive packrat-ness overwhelms all else.

As it turns out, though...it's amusing to have it around.

[r-ness.livejournal.com]

To read old entries is like seeing an old friend, a person you love and miss and yet you have with you at all times

Oh no. This guy is like having a not-so-clueful friend you want to take by the shoulders and say "What. The. Fuck. Are. You. Thinking?", shaking him with each syllable. Then you let him go and explain slowly, using small words, exactly what you see is going on, with him arguing the whole time, until his continuing failure to buy a clue finally frustrates you so much you just tell him you'll take it from here.

Which I guess is what I meant when I said, "Move over. I'll drive."

:)