(no subject)

[randomness]

In a friends-locked post recently, one of my friends discussed how people don't actually read what you write, but instead construct a virtual text from your title, a few fragments, and their own preconceptions.

A few minutes ago I realized something analogous happens when people don't hear what you say. It's all the worse when what you say isn't a very accurate reflection of the thoughts inside your head. And worse still when your primary focus is being witty, not transferring information.

I care very deeply about her. However, I find it very difficult to articulate that feeling to others. Not to her, fortunately, and that's reassuring. But it never comes out right when I try to explain it to anyone else.

---

Unrelated to that I had a (rather constructive and informative) rant building but it would have been better if I had had it about 48 hours ago so I could have presented it in a meeting. Perhaps it's more of a disquisition than a rant.

Comments

[miss-chance.livejournal.com]

Someone once told me that the figure bantered about by researchers is that we absorb roughly 20% of what is told to us in any given interaction/conversation.

I've always though that number seemed low, but as a teacher I've been amazed at how you can discuss a question orally, give visual diagrams and demonstrations, hand out a written verbal description of the problem, and read that together out loud with annotations and room for questions, and students will still come back the next week saying "oh, I didn't understand what we were supposed to do." At first I thought they were just being dense and not bothering to try to understand, but lately I've come to believe that this whole "learning" ting, which can be about academic lessons, or from social conversations, is trickier than I had previously thought.

(As to LJ titles, though, the way my "friends page" layout is, I almost never even see the titles, and only go back and read them if the first line of the entry makes it obvious that I needed to in order to get the context).

[wolfkitn.livejournal.com]

something i've noticed... i think because my job is so heavily focused on listening and processing and reinterpreting, when i'm with a group of friends i sometimes turn that part off a bit. in retrospect of any given situation, this feels unfair (to my friends), to me, but it also makes sense. however, with some friends (usually one-on-one), i listen intently because that's the sort of relationship i have with them: we get together, we sit somewhere together, and we talk... and listen. :)

my question for you is this: it seems like it matters a lot to you that others may not understand how deeply you care for her. why is that? if she understands it, why do others need to? i'm not saying that they shouldn't have to, or that it shouldn't be important to you; i'm curious about why it's important to you.

*hug*

adding this post to memories

[cthulhia]

I am notorious for missing crucial pieces of a communique, and filling in the resulting blanks, and not being aware of it when I do, generally creating heaps of trouble.

[redbird]

That is difficult: listening isn't as easy as we tend to think, and I suspect reading well isn't either.

That she understands is reassuring, though.

[intuition-ist.livejournal.com]

indeed. this is wisdom. as long as you realize these two things, it will be much *harder* to miscommunicate.

Re: adding this post to memories

[awfief.livejournal.com]

Same with me -- I end up saying, "I never would have said that, I don't say stuff like that, I probably said foo, which I meant bar, and you translated as baz". My memory sucks, and I mostly remember my extrapolated meaning of what people say, not their meaning. words suck.

[awfief.livejournal.com]

not necessarily. Both parties have to understand that. It's harder when emotional stuff is involved. I've said "I'm really sorry, I took something about you and made it all about me, because I was feeling defensive" *in* a conversation. I've also had that happen to me, without apology or anything, and hard feelings still exist.

So, it takes 2. (unless your 2 was plural, or you were assuming r_ness could be coherent enough 'in the moment' to try to explain to someone what they did, or explain what he did. My example above was a moment of clarity that doesn't often happen in conversations, but perhaps should.)

[r-ness.livejournal.com]

I've come to believe that this whole "learning" ting, which can be about academic lessons, or from social conversations, is trickier than I had previously thought.

Yeah, it also seems that sales and marketing needs to work this way.

Apropos of a conversation we had at P. F. Chang's, here's the link to the writeup of the brown rice sushi place I mentioned:

Homma's Brown Rice Sushi, Palo Alto, CA:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/r_ness/7246.html

[r-ness.livejournal.com]

it seems like it matters a lot to you that others may not understand how deeply you care for her. why is that?

Oh, I mentioned her at one point, then found myself backtracking to try and explain what she meant to me, found myself bogged down, then handwaved away the subject.
It was a little like hitting a snowbank, getting stuck, and having to back the car out ungracefully...and it took less time. In fact, it took less time than this paragraph is taking to post. :)

It was neither as angstful nor as difficult as I now realize the posting made it seem, but it was frustrating at the time.

[r-ness.livejournal.com]

Oh, and *hug*. :)