People take their cultural assumptions into bed with them. I think it's useful to examine those assumptions and be aware of which ones one's taking in.
I had a... discussion with someone about this recently. She was saying that one can't bring one's assumptions into a new relationship, that everything has to be renegotiated. And I said, yes, sure, but they're THERE, they don't just vanish when previous relationships end. I guess in that sense, it goes for all learned patterns, whether inherited from the larger (sub)culture or from prior one-on-one relationships. And it's not clear to me that they're always up for renegotiation.
Anyway, yes. They are there, and they don't just vanish. You don't start a new relationship a clean slate, any more than you start anything else an entirely clean slate. Obviously, you would like to take a new relationship for what it is, and not have it unduly influenced by your assumptions, but your assumptions are part of who you are.
What I would say is that while many things can up for renegotiation it's unclear that everything (anything?) can be reset without regard to the past. Sometimes, the negotiation ends in "Sorry, we clearly can't come to an agreement."
You can't bring your previous relationship agreements into a new relationship whole [1], but you have to bring some of your assumptions and expectations in, and sometimes that's a good thing. If I didn't, for example, bring in the assumption that the other person was going to be basically honest with me, I wouldn't go into the relationship.
[1] I'm poly, which means that I am bringing in some aspects of my existing relationship agreements into a new relationship, notably that the existing relationships exist, and matter, and that my partners will know what's going on.
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Date: 2007-06-15 04:09 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-06-15 05:42 pm (UTC)Anyway, yes. They are there, and they don't just vanish. You don't start a new relationship a clean slate, any more than you start anything else an entirely clean slate. Obviously, you would like to take a new relationship for what it is, and not have it unduly influenced by your assumptions, but your assumptions are part of who you are.
What I would say is that while many things can up for renegotiation it's unclear that everything (anything?) can be reset without regard to the past. Sometimes, the negotiation ends in "Sorry, we clearly can't come to an agreement."
(no subject)
Date: 2007-06-16 12:57 am (UTC)[1] I'm poly, which means that I am bringing in some aspects of my existing relationship agreements into a new relationship, notably that the existing relationships exist, and matter, and that my partners will know what's going on.