Why did you abandon the mainstream?

[randomness]

(a placeholder for a more substantive post)

In many ways I was never accepted by the mainstream. By virtue of the combination of my race and upbringing, I was always going to be the "other". So in contrast to many of my friends, who appear to have consciously chose the subculture, I ended up here because integrating into the mainstream was problematic.

And there are many mainstream assumptions which I think are completely fucked-up. That tends to reinforce my decision. Not that the particular social niche I find myself in is lacking in fucked-up assumptions, but perhaps there aren't as many, or at least there are fewer which impact me directly.

I'm still thinking about this.

Comments

[r-ness.livejournal.com]

you got a really obvious reason why you were treated different

Yes, and it's true that it was obvious, but not for the reason you think.

In my case it was explicitly stated. People said it to my face; you are not like us because of this part of your appearance.

I was left with a hollow sense that something about me was strange and immediately apparent to "normal" people, only it was invisible to me so not only couldn't I do anything about it, I didn't even know what it was.

And as you say, it was easier, because I didn't have to wonder about it. Now, they may not have been exactly correct about the reason, because it isn't just about appearance; there are a whole complex of socially constructed values around that difference, but as a first approximation it certainly was helpful to my understanding that I had that obvious reason to hang the construct from.

Moreover, it wasn't anything I could change, so the idea of attempting to "pass" wasn't even an option, so I think that helped me come to the conclusion that the right way was out, rather than attempting to ingratiate myself.

Some days I have to go bar-hopping with work associates and the feeling comes back to me strong. Bar-hopping, yuck!

See, I actually rather like bar-hopping with the right crowd. The activity itself can be fun. It's the "work associates" part that can be problematic. And that goes back to the shared assumptions that your work associates may have, which may not be the ones you hold.

the possibility of conforming makes it harder to forge our own path.

Yeah, it can be a trap to attempt to pass. Conforming is sometimes a form of complicity. Of course, one can't always be a rebel, but conforming isn't always seen as a choice one makes, which it definitely is.

(I have a post that's been on the stack for a while about the intersection of kink and feminism, and the issues around being a straight male top. It's still inchoate, though.)

[redbird]

Yes. I can pass, for a while, or in casual contexts. Especially here in New York, where even if I looked more stereotypically Jewish, that wouldn't be distinctive. Someone who just sees me with cattitude, like most of our neighbors, will read us as a heterosexual, presumably monogamous, settled couple.

That doesn't mean no sense of alienation, but a different sort, in a number of ways. (Even when I was very much on the outside, in grade school, nobody ever told me why. I'm not sure they could have identified it.)