Sometimes, discretion is the better part of valor.

[randomness]

I'm ever mindful that I'm engaged in a conversation with the people who have decided to put me on their default view. I think I have, over time, decided that I need to follow the rules of polite society when posting.

I have nonetheless angered a number of people who have flounced out of my journal and my life. This is sad, but unavoidable. I am gradually embracing the fact that I piss some people off. (I am sometimes more glib, and say "I'm embracing my inner asshole" but that phrase has some awkward anatomical implications.)

On the other hand, I'm also trying to avoid one of the counter-fallacies redhound describes in passing in his oft-quoted Five Geek Social Fallacies, that of "Your Feelings, Your Problem":

Less commonly, people form a sort of counter-fallacy which I call "Your Feelings, Your Problem". YFYP carriers deal with other people's fallacies by ignoring them entirely, in the process acquiring a reputation for being charmingly tactless. Carriers tend to receive a sort of exemption from the usual standards: "that's just Dana", and so on. YFYP has its own problems, but if you would rather be an asshole than angstful, it may be the way to go. It's also remarkably easy to pull off in a GSF1-rich environment.

So there are things I consider saying that I find myself filtering out in my head, partly because I've decided that while I like tweaking people's assumptions I'd also like to continue having them read me.

As I don't care much for compartmentalizing my journal--and by implication, my life--by proliferating filtered groups, I think carefully about what I say, because it's going out to everyone on my flist, at least.

It's a balance. Sometimes, like now, I feel it somewhat constraining.

I post a lot about finance. Partly it's because I find it fascinating; it's the actions of a huge number of crazy primates chasing after abstractions. They're not very good at it, so their antics can be comical, as long as you're not within range of their flung feces.

But partly I realize that by posting about finance I can post about a subject sufficiently obscure that I can be snarky and yet not piss my friendslist off. I admit this is in no small part a reflection of the interests of my friendslist. Other readers, maybe I'd post more about politics. Or sex. I don't know.

I originally chose food for similar reasons.

I recognize that both finance and food can be triggering subjects for people; some of my friends have said as much. I'm sorry about that. I think they're less triggering than politics or sex, or relationships. I guess I could stick to transit and travel.

I suppose, thinking about it, that the subjects I currently write about I'm more likely to bore readers than anger them. And that's been okay, if limiting. I'm told this is a terrible way to approach writing; it's probably true, but the reverse comes hard.

Anyway, that's my navel-gazing for the moment.

Comments

[allyphoe.livejournal.com]

The #3 rated Chinese restaurant in my town, per Yelp, is PF Changs. :P

On the plus side, the #1 rated one is the one my Chinese MIL takes mixed-ethnicity groups out to eat at. Although if you want really authentic stuff (off the menu you have to specifically ask for, which is written entirely in traditional characters, and then you ask if there's anything in the back that isn't on *that* menu), you go to a place that's not even on the list.

[karakara98.livejournal.com]

I'm going to be the black sheep and say I tend to read your finance posts more often than your travel or food posts. I think that's because I read LJ as a distraction at work, when I'm in a more analytical mind set. Food and travel reviews tend to be something I read more when I'm looking for someplace to go. (Though your Beirut post a few years back did make a big impression on me).

[r-ness.livejournal.com]

Could you point to a specific post which had that effect?

Yes.

I'll send you email.

[r-ness.livejournal.com]

Hah!

Excellent!

[r-ness.livejournal.com]

Though your Beirut post a few years back did make a big impression on me

Intriguing! Can I ask what impression it made, and which post you're talking about? I remember blogging a bit from Beirut--partly because I was recovering from a drought of internet in Syria--but I'm not sure what I wrote that would have made an impression.

[r-ness.livejournal.com]

Since I'm mostly a social shut-in these days I miss your commentary on our fellow monkeys, but I understand not wanting to offend, at least in theory

I think I'm still doing some social commentary, just in different ways. I'm currently avoiding American politics as that seems to touch a nerve with people on all sides.

I suspect that the only way to not trigger anyone is to not post, but then that will trigger people who take silence personally :-).

There's that. :)

[frotz.livejournal.com]

While I agree with many above with regard to "wait, which bit was offensive?", but I'm also now curious what you've been avoiding, and I encourage you to extend yourself a bit more if you're at all inclined.

Should it be of interest: you're actually part of my default view, though not in my default_view filter. (I sort my read filters by post volume.)

[frotz.livejournal.com]

I'm curious as well if you're willing.

[frotz.livejournal.com]

I hadn't seen some of the later replies when I wrote this, and I do think politics is about the stickiest of all issues, one which I find myself avoiding as well.

I do enjoy the finance, however, as well as the political commentary when you engaged in same.

[karakara98.livejournal.com]

I think it was the fact that you were there and talked so highly of it, only to have it be bombed again relatively shortly thereafter.

I should also note that in my background is a remembered discussion among two Lebanese classmates during high school, one Christian, one Muslim, about whether or not they'd go back there to live in Beirut someday.

From someone who blogs a lot of music

[drwex]

I figure most people skip most of what I write about music and I'm very snarky in some of those posts.

[agrimony.livejournal.com]

As history might suggest, I've always thoroughly enjoyed conversation with you and you're one of the few people with whom I never, ever feel as if I must censor myself for fear of offending you or being thought a horrible freak.

I read your entries and enjoy them; I even skim the financial ones. I am firmly in the same corner as many other replies here in that I'm completely mystified that there's been anything offensive in your journal. Terribly curious, too, as to what would get someone to go off in a huff.

Anyway, I don't get to talk to you nearly often enough and I miss you!

[milktree.livejournal.com]

+1
this
<AOL>

(you know, to maintain the meme)

tell me about it

[cthulhia]

my LJ was far more candid before most of elbonia joined, and suddenly just having pseudonyms wasn't going to protect people's "privacy", i.e., all the not-really-as-unique-as-they-think ways that people try to manipulate their reputations via sins of omission.

but, my personal filters are different enough that I inevitably betray apparent confidences of others, or, much worse, known confidences by finding myself participating in a conversation already in progress where my comment turns out to be the first confirmation of some detail that I'd been led to believe had already been well-discussed.

(And then I get go away and feel like shit, have that person firmly remind me, repeatedly, that I AM shit, and come perilously close to the "well, fuck you then, I can't do anything right except get the hell out of your life" defense mechanism, which leaves me free to really wreak havoc.)

so, now I'm trying to learn how to avoid any communication or conversation altogether...

yeah, that's working. [insert wincing emoticon here... stoopid eljay]

[stolen-tea.livejournal.com]

Am I somehow not getting these posts?

My general thought is that YFYP is contextual. It's appropriate to take care with spoilers for a week or so after a movie; it's ridiculous to spend any effort concealing that Christ dies at the end of each Gospel, or any of the plot of Star Wars.

I've seen some people handle this with a collection of filters; you could probably get away with just one: "interesting". :)

[stolen-tea.livejournal.com]

you're one of the few people with whom I never, ever feel as if I must censor myself for fear of offending you or being thought a horrible freak.

Ditto.

[digitalemur.livejournal.com]

You know, r_ness expresses, periodically, that he means to talk to you more than he ends up getting to. Y'all should do something about that. I like it when you two talk. And I'd love to listen if I happen to be around when you do.

[digitalemur.livejournal.com]

What about Keyser Soze?

Semi-relatedly, last week I convinced a coworker for about five minutes that Kevin Spacey had played whatever character in whichever Harry Potter movie *gasp* killed Sirius Black.

Cuz you see, I couldn't remember the name of the person who did, and I made a joke about Keyser Soze, and he didn't realize I was kidding.

IMMD.

[outlawradio.livejournal.com]

I'm going to join the chorus of: your journal; post about what you want. I find you interesting, and not offensive to me personally. If I found you offensive, I would simply change my reading habits. It would not be *your* problem to deal with. It's *your* journal.

Please continue to be awesome! :D

[stolen-tea.livejournal.com]

If it crosses my attention that a person has not seen "The Usual Suspects", I will enter Proselytization Mode, and thus refrain from even the smallest of spoilers. But if it does not cross my attention, well, life's too short to worry about stuff like that. Is my take. These days.

If they want me to go to the effort of compartmentalizing my cultural context, they can jolly well tape a sign to their forehead listing all of the media that they have not consumed yet but which they may wish to consume at some point in the future. It's no harder.

[karakara98.livejournal.com]

Also, I find it interesting how Livejournal differs from a the heyday group discussion list that we are on together. It seems like the discussion list dynamics were to all come together in a public place to debate things. I think of it like a town hall. LJ seems more like a discussion in someone's home. Someone is your host, and it does well not to offend them when you're speaking in their living room (i.e. in the comments field). On the other hand, if I enter that person's living room (i.e. have them on my friends list) I expect my host to say what he or she wants to say. I may or may not wish to enter that space again depending on what I find. It's up to the host how welcoming she or he wants to be.

[r-ness.livejournal.com]

your journal; post about what you want.

Oh, sure, definitely.

If I found you offensive, I would simply change my reading habits.

Yes, and that's precisely the issue. I want to say things that will not specifically drive away friends, and sometimes I need to balance that with what I write.

It's very easy to talk about letting the chips fall where they may until you care about where the chips land.

Please continue to be awesome!

Thank you! I don't want to give the impression that I'm going to be changing anything I'm doing; the balancing act is ongoing.

[r-ness.livejournal.com]

That filter would have to be called something like "offensive", actually. :)

Re: tell me about it

[r-ness.livejournal.com]

Yeah, well...I'm going to say what people have been saying to me: you've never offended me. Of course, I realize it's not just me you're dealing with.

Re: From someone who blogs a lot of music

[r-ness.livejournal.com]

I think (most) people who take music seriously are less likely to take a difference of musical opinion personally than people who take politics seriously are likely to take a difference of political opinion. So I think you've chosen well there.

For similar reasons I chose food; people may decide I'm an idiot who lacks taste, but they won't want to slap me across the face over food choice. Well, most sane people won't, anyway. :)