Sometimes, discretion is the better part of valor.

[randomness]

I'm ever mindful that I'm engaged in a conversation with the people who have decided to put me on their default view. I think I have, over time, decided that I need to follow the rules of polite society when posting.

I have nonetheless angered a number of people who have flounced out of my journal and my life. This is sad, but unavoidable. I am gradually embracing the fact that I piss some people off. (I am sometimes more glib, and say "I'm embracing my inner asshole" but that phrase has some awkward anatomical implications.)

On the other hand, I'm also trying to avoid one of the counter-fallacies redhound describes in passing in his oft-quoted Five Geek Social Fallacies, that of "Your Feelings, Your Problem":

Less commonly, people form a sort of counter-fallacy which I call "Your Feelings, Your Problem". YFYP carriers deal with other people's fallacies by ignoring them entirely, in the process acquiring a reputation for being charmingly tactless. Carriers tend to receive a sort of exemption from the usual standards: "that's just Dana", and so on. YFYP has its own problems, but if you would rather be an asshole than angstful, it may be the way to go. It's also remarkably easy to pull off in a GSF1-rich environment.

So there are things I consider saying that I find myself filtering out in my head, partly because I've decided that while I like tweaking people's assumptions I'd also like to continue having them read me.

As I don't care much for compartmentalizing my journal--and by implication, my life--by proliferating filtered groups, I think carefully about what I say, because it's going out to everyone on my flist, at least.

It's a balance. Sometimes, like now, I feel it somewhat constraining.

I post a lot about finance. Partly it's because I find it fascinating; it's the actions of a huge number of crazy primates chasing after abstractions. They're not very good at it, so their antics can be comical, as long as you're not within range of their flung feces.

But partly I realize that by posting about finance I can post about a subject sufficiently obscure that I can be snarky and yet not piss my friendslist off. I admit this is in no small part a reflection of the interests of my friendslist. Other readers, maybe I'd post more about politics. Or sex. I don't know.

I originally chose food for similar reasons.

I recognize that both finance and food can be triggering subjects for people; some of my friends have said as much. I'm sorry about that. I think they're less triggering than politics or sex, or relationships. I guess I could stick to transit and travel.

I suppose, thinking about it, that the subjects I currently write about I'm more likely to bore readers than anger them. And that's been okay, if limiting. I'm told this is a terrible way to approach writing; it's probably true, but the reverse comes hard.

Anyway, that's my navel-gazing for the moment.

Comments

[r-ness.livejournal.com]

*nod*

Yeah, and that's why finance has seemed to be a good choice; by and large the reaction to my finance posts by people who don't want to read them is *skip*, rather than *defriend* or *remove from view*.

[emilymorgan.livejournal.com]

What an interesting and well-timed post. I always enjoy your social meta-commentary.

For me, while I think LJ is awesome in terms of its communication potential, having a "conversation" with a large group of people whose faces I can't see is sufficiently intimidating that I filter, lock, and post rarely and on "safe" topics. But it's a little frustrating- I'd like to have more of a real conversation.

It's your own space. Maybe trigger warnings are the way to go?

[r-ness.livejournal.com]

What an interesting and well-timed post. I always enjoy your social meta-commentary.

Thanks!

One of my friends has engaged in quite a lot of self-debate about the degree to which his engaging with certain commenters drives away others, and how one can never reach a perfect solution to that. Thinking about that inspired my rambling.

Maybe trigger warnings are the way to go?

Perhaps, although there are clearly times when that's just not sufficient.

[kissoflife.livejournal.com]

*hugs you, against all the not-fun sides of so much the self-scrutiny, and for the charm of your having found the right playground for your inner snarkasaurus*

[r-ness.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Thanks.

[lyonesse.livejournal.com]

one reader's tuppence: i read yr journal just to hear what you think.

i don't gotta agree with you. i don't feel entitled to choose your topics. i'm just interested.

ok?

[r-ness.livejournal.com]

ok?

Sure, but it's not just about you. :)

[mizkit.livejournal.com]

*snorts* If people flounce off, that's their problem, not yours. That's the beautiful thing about self-selecting audiences. :)

[r-ness.livejournal.com]

Well, sure.

On the other hand, the ultimate endpoint of a self-selecting audience is one in which I am speaking only to myself. I realize that's not an immediate worry here, but the balancing act remains.

[r-ness.livejournal.com]

*nod*

I made a decision a while back, when I was writing about food, that I would leave as many posts as possible public. The restaurant listings were a resource--although nowadays I could probably more reasonably use something like Yelp--and I wanted them not only to be readable by as many people as possible I wanted them to be found if someone was searching.

When I branched out it seemed reasonable to continue to write with that possible audience in mind.

I think if I'd started by deciding my entire LJ was friends-locked I'd have written very differently. It's a reasonable choice to do so. It just happens that I didn't start that way.

[woodwardiocom.livejournal.com]

I am astounded that anyone would find any of your posts angering. Could you point to a specific post which had that effect?

[milktree.livejournal.com]

+1

this

are there any other annoying ways to say "ooh ooh! Me too! I think that too! " ?

[gosling.livejournal.com]

I stopped posting altogether for a long time because of issues like this. It wasn't a good solution; I just got sick of people somehow managing to be offended even by cute kid stories. (And really, for me the past few years, even posting two sentence things, which I try to do at least sometimes these days, means getting up yet earlier before dawn to have the time, so it was easy to not post at all.)

However, I really like reading posts by people who are more willing to post controversial, thought provoking things, even when I don't agree with them.

[r-ness.livejournal.com]

I stopped posting altogether for a long time because of issues like this. It wasn't a good solution; I just got sick of people somehow managing to be offended even by cute kid stories.

Yeah. We all find our own equilibrium, I think.

By the way, I want to thank you for coming up to me at the party heliopsis had a while ago and saying nice things about what I was posting being a window into what I was thinking. I realized we hadn't actually talked in ages and I wanted to do something about that, but obviously that was difficult to do at a noisy party.

[redbird]

For what it's worth: I have filters for stuff I'm not comfortable sharing with the whole world, and a couple of reading filters for when I'm in a hurry. Beyond that, I use lj-cut tags for things I think people may want to skip, though most of mine are "this may bore you" rather than "this might be triggering."

If someone finds large parts of my journal problematic or triggering, that's about them, I think. If a lot of people had that reaction, I might reconsider what I was posting, or how, or at least use more of those cut tags.

I can get stressed about money, but the finance stuff you post isn't hitting any of that, and wasn't even a couple of years ago when I was finding the topic more stressful.

[r-ness.livejournal.com]

I in fact use one filter: friends-only. I considered creating more filters at one point but decided that was too much complexity for me.

And it is about them...but I do want to reach people who I suspect would close themselves off if I didn't avoid things that were actively obnoxious. So there's that tension.

It's not a big deal but I do think about it sometimes.

[intuition-ist.livejournal.com]

yeek. you've never posted anything that i consider even remotely offensive...

[lillibet.livejournal.com]

I read your journal to know what you're thinking about. I find the economy and finance pretty wearing, but if it's something you're thinking about, then that's interesting to me. Although, frankly, I prefer food :)

[r-ness.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I've felt like I haven't posted about food nearly enough lately.

[nezumiko.livejournal.com]

I'm with the contingent above who haven't seen anything even bordering on offensive in your posts. True, I skip restaurant reviews for cities I won't be visiting, and I skim some of the link-heavy financial posts because finance isn't my kink, but offended? Hardly.

I actually think it's cool that I have in you an economist-type friend who knows about those sorts of thing. As I recall, one of the things that first intrigued me about you when we met was the fact that you collected currency. I don't know much about finance, and I find accounting tedious, but I know exactly where to go to get a summation of the issues and a smart friend's opinions on the topics.

So... So unless I've been missing something here, and that's entirely possible, I'm not sure where your concerns about this are coming from. I'd prefer you to keep writing about the stuff you think about, without a lot of self-censoring, because it's interesting, and I like knowing what's on your mind.

[r-ness.livejournal.com]

Oh, it's nothing particularly new. I simply think about it every time I find myself not posting something, and this time I started doing some public self-examination, the way one does on LJ.

I have no particular intention in changing my posting style.

And thanks! We haven't talked lately, so I'm glad to hear from you.

[tamidon.livejournal.com]

I am honestly baffled at people being offended when reading someone's LJ is something you have to take action to do. No one is forcing me to slog thru your finance posts(which is a good thing because, tho I try, I sometimes find them...dense) and I love your food and travel posts. How very odd that people get offended in this way

[r-ness.livejournal.com]

People are odd, really.

[dianec42.livejournal.com]

I'm with the "How very odd" crowd. I love reading your entries and would be very happy if you keep posting on whatever topic moves you.

[r-ness.livejournal.com]

Oh, I'll keep going on the way I've always been. I'm just doing some public introspection about what I normally do.

"You should experience no disruption in service." :)

[karakara98.livejournal.com]

I'm going to be the black sheep and say I tend to read your finance posts more often than your travel or food posts. I think that's because I read LJ as a distraction at work, when I'm in a more analytical mind set. Food and travel reviews tend to be something I read more when I'm looking for someplace to go. (Though your Beirut post a few years back did make a big impression on me).

[r-ness.livejournal.com]

Though your Beirut post a few years back did make a big impression on me

Intriguing! Can I ask what impression it made, and which post you're talking about? I remember blogging a bit from Beirut--partly because I was recovering from a drought of internet in Syria--but I'm not sure what I wrote that would have made an impression.

[r-ness.livejournal.com]

Since I'm mostly a social shut-in these days I miss your commentary on our fellow monkeys, but I understand not wanting to offend, at least in theory

I think I'm still doing some social commentary, just in different ways. I'm currently avoiding American politics as that seems to touch a nerve with people on all sides.

I suspect that the only way to not trigger anyone is to not post, but then that will trigger people who take silence personally :-).

There's that. :)

[frotz.livejournal.com]

While I agree with many above with regard to "wait, which bit was offensive?", but I'm also now curious what you've been avoiding, and I encourage you to extend yourself a bit more if you're at all inclined.

Should it be of interest: you're actually part of my default view, though not in my default_view filter. (I sort my read filters by post volume.)

[frotz.livejournal.com]

I hadn't seen some of the later replies when I wrote this, and I do think politics is about the stickiest of all issues, one which I find myself avoiding as well.

I do enjoy the finance, however, as well as the political commentary when you engaged in same.

From someone who blogs a lot of music

[drwex]

I figure most people skip most of what I write about music and I'm very snarky in some of those posts.

Re: From someone who blogs a lot of music

[r-ness.livejournal.com]

I think (most) people who take music seriously are less likely to take a difference of musical opinion personally than people who take politics seriously are likely to take a difference of political opinion. So I think you've chosen well there.

For similar reasons I chose food; people may decide I'm an idiot who lacks taste, but they won't want to slap me across the face over food choice. Well, most sane people won't, anyway. :)

[agrimony.livejournal.com]

As history might suggest, I've always thoroughly enjoyed conversation with you and you're one of the few people with whom I never, ever feel as if I must censor myself for fear of offending you or being thought a horrible freak.

I read your entries and enjoy them; I even skim the financial ones. I am firmly in the same corner as many other replies here in that I'm completely mystified that there's been anything offensive in your journal. Terribly curious, too, as to what would get someone to go off in a huff.

Anyway, I don't get to talk to you nearly often enough and I miss you!

[stolen-tea.livejournal.com]

you're one of the few people with whom I never, ever feel as if I must censor myself for fear of offending you or being thought a horrible freak.

Ditto.

tell me about it

[cthulhia]

my LJ was far more candid before most of elbonia joined, and suddenly just having pseudonyms wasn't going to protect people's "privacy", i.e., all the not-really-as-unique-as-they-think ways that people try to manipulate their reputations via sins of omission.

but, my personal filters are different enough that I inevitably betray apparent confidences of others, or, much worse, known confidences by finding myself participating in a conversation already in progress where my comment turns out to be the first confirmation of some detail that I'd been led to believe had already been well-discussed.

(And then I get go away and feel like shit, have that person firmly remind me, repeatedly, that I AM shit, and come perilously close to the "well, fuck you then, I can't do anything right except get the hell out of your life" defense mechanism, which leaves me free to really wreak havoc.)

so, now I'm trying to learn how to avoid any communication or conversation altogether...

yeah, that's working. [insert wincing emoticon here... stoopid eljay]

Re: tell me about it

[r-ness.livejournal.com]

Yeah, well...I'm going to say what people have been saying to me: you've never offended me. Of course, I realize it's not just me you're dealing with.

[stolen-tea.livejournal.com]

Am I somehow not getting these posts?

My general thought is that YFYP is contextual. It's appropriate to take care with spoilers for a week or so after a movie; it's ridiculous to spend any effort concealing that Christ dies at the end of each Gospel, or any of the plot of Star Wars.

I've seen some people handle this with a collection of filters; you could probably get away with just one: "interesting". :)

[digitalemur.livejournal.com]

What about Keyser Soze?

Semi-relatedly, last week I convinced a coworker for about five minutes that Kevin Spacey had played whatever character in whichever Harry Potter movie *gasp* killed Sirius Black.

Cuz you see, I couldn't remember the name of the person who did, and I made a joke about Keyser Soze, and he didn't realize I was kidding.

IMMD.

[outlawradio.livejournal.com]

I'm going to join the chorus of: your journal; post about what you want. I find you interesting, and not offensive to me personally. If I found you offensive, I would simply change my reading habits. It would not be *your* problem to deal with. It's *your* journal.

Please continue to be awesome! :D

[r-ness.livejournal.com]

your journal; post about what you want.

Oh, sure, definitely.

If I found you offensive, I would simply change my reading habits.

Yes, and that's precisely the issue. I want to say things that will not specifically drive away friends, and sometimes I need to balance that with what I write.

It's very easy to talk about letting the chips fall where they may until you care about where the chips land.

Please continue to be awesome!

Thank you! I don't want to give the impression that I'm going to be changing anything I'm doing; the balancing act is ongoing.

[flit.livejournal.com]

I don't have enough background to really get all of your finance posts, but I can skim on crashy days and I learn a little on brain days, so it's all good for me.

Also I find the idea that anyone would flounce off from your journal quite bemusing.

[stolen-tea.livejournal.com]

BTW, for economic news fun, you should follow solarbird. She's more or less been live-blogging the economic collapse. And you probably have met at some point, given your respective backgrounds... :)